wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) September 14, 2019
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I'm having an affair
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) August 18, 2016